You’ve probably traded tales with your friends of clingy, controlling ex-girlfriends. But you could be guilty of the same behavior: Sixty-eight percent of young American women reported experiencing at least one episode of controlling behavior from their male partners in the last year, according to a new study from Columbia University in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine.
Far more troubling: More than 11 percent of women said they had experienced physical violence along with the controlling behavior, according to the study, which polled several hundred 15- to 24-year old women.
“Controlling behavior” included a man depriving his partner of seeing friends and family, keeping tabs on her location at all times, or getting angry when she has contact with other men. (More from MensHealth.com: Sex and the Social Network)
Sound vaguely familiar? Here’s a checklist of the signs that you might be too controlling from psychotherapist John D. Moore, Ph.D., author of Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control.
1. You’ve Bookmarked Her Facebook Profile
Watching her online social networks like a hawk is a major red flag, says Moore. “If you’re spending more time at work monitoring her Facebook page than doing your own work, that’s a sign that you’re too pre-occupied with her at an early stage.”
2. You’ve Nixed Girls’ Night
If she usually meets the girls for a couple of harmless drinks on Wednesday nights but you’ve asked her to stay in with you instead, you could be smothering her. “You shouldn’t try to control her other friendships and relationships,” Moore says. She likely had her other support systems in place before she met you, so it’s not fair for you to keep her to yourself. Don’t forget: Both partners having social support is vital to the health of any relationship.
3. You’ve Ditched the Guys
If you’ve slowly phased out your old friends and interests in favor of spending more time with her, it could be bad for the both of you. “In any relationship, when two people get together and start dating, there’s bound to be some abandonment of other interests—and that’s normal. But it becomes abnormal when there’s a total void there,” Moore says.
4. You’ve Depleted Your Savings
Do you typically pay for every movie and every meal? Then you might be what Moore calls a financial faker. “You’re trying to get her to like you based on something that’s not real. A lot of guys fall into giving up their own financial security and wellness in order to keep another person attached to them.” (More from MensHealth.com: Learn 7 Big Money Skills)
5. You’ve Made a Bad Assumption
Do you introduce her to other people as your girlfriend, even though the two of you never officially established that you’re, you know, dating? If you haven’t talked about your relationship with her, but have gone ahead and made things official on your own, it could push her further away, says Moore. A recent survey of young couples in the Journal of Sex Research found that 40 percent of the time, one partner thought the relationship was sexually exclusive while the other had no clue there was such an agreement. Click here for the sex talk you need to have.
6. You’ve Grown Suspicious
When you’ve noticed another guy shooting her glances at the bar, have you automatically jumped to the conclusion that they’ve shared a bed? Or worse, that she wants to? “Those types of thoughts are inappropriate because they’re irrational and baseless,” Moore says. “You’re filling in the gaps and making assumptions about the other person, and that’s a true sign of jealousy.” (More from MensHealth.com: How to Avoid Infidelity)
If you do one or more of these things, it’s time to step back. And realize you’re not necessarily a bad guy. “Some of this behavior is relatively normal for guys who are either just getting back into dating after coming out of a long relationship, or brand new at it,” Moore says. “You’re not terribly flawed because you have these feelings of anxiety. Instead, it’s good to notice those feelings and take action.”
Try These Quick Fixes
Gain Awareness
Ask your friends if they’ve noticed you acting any differently since she’s entered the picture, and then ask yourself the same question. “Being honest with yourself and recognizing that your behavior has changed—that you’ve become more focused on the other person than yourself—is a good indication that something’s wrong,” says Moore.
Do a Temperature Check
“For guys, the last thing we want to do is come off as needy—it’s just not part of our DNA. But what we can do is come off as supportive,” Moore says. Your move: Ask her casually how things are going in the relationship. “What can often help with anxiety and preoccupation is to be reassured that both people are on the same page.”
Give Her Space
Spending time apart won’t be the demise of your relationship, says Moore. Besides, could you really be with someone else for 24 hours a day? We don’t care if that woman is Scarlett Johansson—it would still be exhausting. So when you’re having the temperature check conversation, set up regular times that the two of you can do your own thing. Give her Wednesday nights while you take Thursdays.
Take a Breather
If you realize you’re stuck in an unhealthy relationship, it’s OK to break things off with her. Go ahead and give yourself permission to put love on the backburner as you sort things out. “It’s perfectly normal to not date or see someone while you assess your relationship history,” says Moore. The goal is to keep your focus off of her, so why not take up a hobby in the meantime? Find a skill in How to Do Everything Better before you dive back into dating.
—Andrew Daniels
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